Latest Story

Jwow Speaks

The Final Straw gave Governor Jwow equal time after Sean Swain’s statements about his campaign for Ohio Governor.

jwowThis is a transcription of Jwow’s seemingly unscripted speech.

Is this fuckin’ thing on?  Testing, Testing.  Okay…
My fellow Ohioans… My fellow Americans… Uh, my fellow humans… and I guess that includes all of you filthy, scruffy anarchists out there who don’t plan on voting for me anyway: Suck it.
I’ve got a script here (sound of crumpling paper) but you know what?  I feel pretty loose.  I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to down those painkillers with alcohol.  I sluged them down with a bottle of vodka and I feel great.  Also, you should know, behind this podium, I’m totally naked.
Last week, the idiot who normally rambles through this segment talked about running for governor.  He said I’m obsessed with his penis.  Previously, the bomb-throwing moron claimed I have unprotected sex with dogs and fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge.  I’d like to dispel all of those nasty slanders, as well as tell you about what I’ve done for the last 4 years since Ed What’s-His-Name can’t beat me.
Hey, Ed: Suck it.
First, those nasty slanders.  For the record, I am NOT obsessed with Sean Swain’s penis… I’m obsessed with the penis on his anatomically-correct action figure.  That doll is hung like a mule.  Sean Swain in real-life has a mundane human penis.  We have satellite photos to prove it.
As to the claims that I have unprotected sex with dogs while blasting fireworks behind the Masonic Lodge, what Swain’s implying is totally outrageous.  One, they don’t even make condoms for dogs, and C, fireworks are perfectly legal in Ohio.  So, having cleared all that up, let’s talk about my leadership in Ohio for the last 4 years. Read more »

Share Button

November 3rd

This originally aired on the Final Straw Radio show.
swain fuck change revolt
I’ve gotten mail recently asking how my campaign for governor is going. In case you didn’t know, I’m running for Ohio Governor and the election is November 3rd.

Hope I can count on your support. My platform is pretty simple and can be summed up with a catch-phrase that’s as inspiriting as it is grammatically incorrect:
I MAKE TOTAL DESTROY.
Ohio calls itself The Heart of It All. That’s what you see on the signs alongside the highway when you have the misfortune of coming here. So, it’s my goal, as Governor of Ohio, to drive a wooden stake right through The Heart of It All.
Here’s my ninety-day plan:
First, by executive order, I would decommission the Ohio National Guard and give their heavy weaponry to the Native American tribes who were here first. They can use that to take back what they want.
Second, I’ll empty all the prisons. 50,000 prisoners liberated. Not one fence to remain standing. Read more »

Share Button

IHSAN UPDATE

As a result of severe neglect by hierarchs, Ihsan suffered dehydration, kidney failure, and liver failure. She had a pulmonary embolus, three blood clots plus a shower of smaller clots spread through her head and body. She suffered 3 strokes.

After she regained consciousness, she had use of her right arm and moved her head, but contracted pneumonia and was unconscious, back on a respirator. She overcame the pneumonia and developed a bleeder in her leg because of the anti-clotting meds. She came out of surgery on 08 October.

Despite the best efforts of the hierarchs at Oceans Behavioral Hospital, Ihsan is still alive and after a month of incredible struggles, she appears to be defying all expectations of doctors. Ihsan has full use of both hands and on 1 October fed herself an entire meal. She has speech faculties and is coherent and lucid when she isn’t tired or bogged down by meds. She spent more than an hour sitting up in a geriatric chair, and has talked on the phone with relatives. She doesn’t yet have use of her legs, but even there, there’s optimism.

Recall, at the time of the recording of “My Ihsan” for Ashevillefm.org, she wasn’t expected to survive to leave the intensive care unit. But Ihsan faces a really serious struggle as she battles back in her recovery and would really benefit from knowing others are pulling for her. If you can lift a Hallmark card from WalMart or send her a quick note of encouragement, that could make all the difference. Ihsan’s sister Brenda reads all of Ihsan’s mail to her. Send cards and letters of support to:

Ihsan,
c/o Brenda White
P.O. Box 2062
Richmond, TX 77406

Share Button